Various documents from a time before now

This is where old stuff is retired at the end of its pointless existence. Sometimes things get created and retired at the same time.

Stupidity epidemic worsens - 2008.01.16

Latest figures from the Department of Health show an alarming increase in the spread of stupidity. The number of reported cases has skyrocketed in recent months exceeding the total for both HIV and the common cold. Stupidity is now the number one health problem of the 21st century and looks set to become a pandemic if urgent action is not taken.

The Government figures, released yesterday, show an 83% increase in stupidity cases over the last 2 months compared to only 46% for the previous bi-monthly period. The cost to the economy is likely to be enormous, possibly running into tens of billions of dollars.

Evidence of the problem is clearly visible. It is impossible to miss the crowds of stupid people cramming hospital corridors, fighting for space on shopping mall escalators and gathering like cattle on city streets.

John Ellison, a prominent General Practitioner said, "The number of people coming to me for brain implants is incredible, but there isn't really anything I can do for them. I just give them a bit of a tap on the head with a hammer, charge them double and send them away, they are all too stupid to notice anyway."

Other medical professionals echoed Ellison's comments, one stated "Occasionally there are one or two who aren't quite so far gone and start to kick up a fuss, I just give them another dose with a bigger hammer and they seem to come right."

Finding a cause for the increasing stupidity rates is more of a challenge with opinions inevitably many and varied. Of the numerous stupid people interviewed, Tom Dullard's response was fairly typical, "It's the Guvenment fault I reckon, coz they don't give us stuff, we can't get stuff for ourselves coz we're stupid so if they gave us more stuff we wudn't be so dumb and could do things. Evry time I try to do sumthing they lock me up, what use is that? That's just plain stupid I reckon."

Stupidity is now the leading cause of premature death for people in the ages 5 to 100. (Those under 5 are mainly killed by falling rocks dislodged by stupid people and those over 100 are mostly dead already) If current trends continue it is estimated that almost 2 thirds of the worlds population could die from stupidity within 15 years.

The minister in charge of the health portfolio has pledged to commit all available Government resources to combat the problem. Harold Askins stated in an interview, "The Government is taking this issue very seriously, we will pursue every avenue open to us with diligence and perseverance. At the same time we must all remain vigilant as stupidity is an insidious foe infiltrating every level of society."

Read transcript of full interview with Harold Askins